Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Dr. Appointment
So today I had my doctor's appointment/pap and it went well. I was SOOOO nervous about going and I my hands were all clammy and shaky. I guess I was nervous since I'd never had a male gyn. before, only women. And being overweight doesn't help either! And I hadn't had one of "those" visits since I got pregnant with Jack! With all that being said, I feel pretty happy with the path we're taking. The dr was very nice and very informative. The office staff were great and the office waiting area was so warm and cozy. I was surprised! Basically, for this month, the doctor gave me a write-up to have a full blood work-up done at the end of this cycle to test thyroid levels, progesterone, etc. Then after those results, we'll know where to go next. He said there's other things we can do after that, but some of the procedures get pricey and the insurance doesn't always cover them. So we'll see. I have a feeling we'll find some sort of idea from the blood work. Just a feeling I have. He didn't seem as worried since we have had a live birth before, that it would be a little different had we not ever had a baby and had all the miscarriages. I feel okay about today. Basically I have to just wait until the end of the month for the blood work. It'll be around January 14th or 15th that I go to the lab for that. In the meantime, we're still "trying" this month! :)
Sunday, December 27, 2009
OPK's!
Got a new pack of OPK's for this month! I use the internet cheapies from www.early-pregnancy-tests.com but I buy them on ebay. They're cheaper on ebay. I don't use these every month, but when I've used them, they're very reliable for me. Some people I've come across on message boards say they don't like them, but they work fine for me. Last month, I don't think I would've caught my O day had I not used them. So it's CD 5 today and I'll probably start them around CD 11. I'm also anxious to hear what the dr. has to say on Tuesday at my appointment. I feel like I'm finally doing some progressive in this whole thing.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
A Dr. Appointment...Finally!!
My hopes for getting a BFP completely disappeared this month a couple days before Christmas when AF stopped in for an unwanted visit. Boo. I had really thought this was the month too. It was a strange cycle though. Well, anyway, I decided that since our new insurance was in full effect, that if I didn't get pregnant this cycle, I'd go see a dr. I have been putting it off for quite sometime. I haven't had a women's well-visit since before Jack was born. Not good! Some may wonder why I haven't gone sooner, but with our old insurance, just the copay itself was REALLY high and so now with the new insurance the copay is REALLY cheap, even to see an OB/GYN. So my appointment is this Tuesday at 1pm. It's with a man doctor, little nervous about that since I've only seen women doctors in that specialty. I've heard good things though about this practice, and it's here in town as opposed to where I was going which is about a 45 min. drive. So I've got a lot of questions I plan on asking him and I hope to get some answers!!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
The History of our Journey thus Far....(long post)
I've seen and followed so many other blogs about women who are in the same boat, or probably worse, than I am when it comes to trying to conceive (TTC) a baby so I thought, what the heck...I think I'll start a blog geared towards our journey trying too! Here's a little history on our story:
Miscarriage #1:
Kevin and I had been married for about a year and half and we'd always talked about having children, but not in the immediate future just yet. But in February 2006, on a whim, went out and bought a home pregnancy test (HPT) after realizing that I was almost two weeks late. To my absolute surprise, a second line showed up immediately and I was shocked!!! I told Kevin and he was just as surprised. I couldn't believe it...I even remember re-reading the HPT instructions to see if it was okay that the test line was as dark as the control line. Then I went out and bought several more tests. Those new digital HPT's had just made their way onto the market and I tried it, right away it showed the word, "Pregnant." I was just in shock still. We were definitely NOT trying to have a baby, but I couldn't believe I was pregnant. I called the dr and went in. They congratulated me, although they said their test line was super faint, it was there. They did a blood draw and said they'd call back with the results the next day.
I was teaching middle school band at the time and just remember going to work being so elated and pretty much floating on a cloud all day. As I waited the call back about the blood test, I just got a weird feeling about something, not sure, but something didn't feel right. That feeling was correct. The nurse told me that my hcg (pregnancy hormone) number was pretty low, but it was probably just that it was so early, they wanted me to come back on Monday to do another blood draw. Great....those that really know me, know that I am a worry wort and will stew and brew all the possible, mostly negative, outcomes that could happen. I think I was on Google more than anyone else that day! I stocked up on more tests and kept taking them to assure myself that I was still pregnant. The next day, a Saturday, I had to help take the high school band students to a jazz festival out of town. That morning, I used the bathroom and noticed a small amount of blood on the tissue and got a little freaked. I had to go chaperone kids on this trip, but all I could think about was, "Oh my gosh...what is wrong here..." The spotting of blood got a little heavier throughout that day and I just knew this couldn't be right. I talked to a friend that said it's okay as long as I wasn't cramping along with it. I was, but not too bad. Just a little bit. It was the longest day, I felt awful, couldn't enjoy the concert and just knew this was not going well. The next morning, Sunday, I woke up with the worst ever cramps and was bleeding a lot. This is it...I'm having a miscarriage. This pregnancy will not last. Kevin was still asleep and I remember sitting and knowing it just happened. I felt the tissue expel out and it was very painful, horrible cramping. When I went into the bathroom, I saw the sac and a very tiny tiny embryo on the pad. It was the most horrifying thing and just so sad. I cried uncontrollably as I knew this pregnancy was over. It was so quick, yet I'd grown so excited about the idea of being pregnant. When I woke Kevin up, I'm not sure he felt as awful as I did, but I do know if affected him pretty badly as well. By the next morning, I took another digital test and was pierced cold as the words, "not pregnant," showed up on the display. I went back to the dr for my repeat blood draw, but told them about what happened. They did an ultrasound and verified that it was gone. He said there was still some tissue that would come out and that we could start trying again after a month or so. That was that. The next months were very hard. Very very hard.
I'm Pregnant For Real This Time:
We relocated after some really hard times during 2006 and ended up changing the grade levels that we taught. We were now both teaching elementary music. I was at a rough school with a difficult to get along with principal and was definitely feeling very depressed. My would-be due date was quickly approaching and that was hard knowing at only 6 weeks, I lost that baby. I ended up being on Zoloft that helped immensely! After the miscarriage and all the life stuff that happened, I had quickly decided maybe we weren't ready for a baby quite yet and got back on the pill. In November/December, Kevin and I both decided that I should stop the pill and just see what happens. We had a very relaxing Christmas break and I wasn't really trying, but since we weren't preventing, I was curious one day in early January about if I was pregnant or not. I knew that it was possible, but wasn't going to get my hopes up. I had bought a test and decided to take it on a Saturday night. It was negative. I remember feeling let down somewhat....but oh well, no big deal. It wasn't like we were really trying. On a whim the next day, Sunday, I decided to buy another brand of test just because. And holy crap! A second line showed up!! No way....no way.....!!! I was in SHOCK!!! I just called Kevin over, he had no idea I was even taking a test, and I asked him if he could see a line (it was pretty faint) and he said he could. Then he said what does that mean?? It means pregnant!! He was really happy and so was I! I of course went out and bought a digital test immediately and it quickly read, "Pregnant."
But needless to say, I wasn't going to get too excited just yet after all we'd gone through before. I was having great preggo symptoms like the sore boobs, the dizziness and nausea, so I knew this was a good sign. I went right to the dr and they did a blood draw, said the numbers were just okay, but wanted me to come back just b/c of my history. The second blood draw showed a HUGE increase in numbers and all looked good. Still didn't want to get my hopes up. Week after week, I finally made it to the end of being pregnant and couldn't have been more happily miserable! We did it...we created life. His name is Jack and he's amazing!
Miscarriage #2:
We decided that when Jack was 1 we would start trying for another baby. I REALLY wanted Jack to have a sibling really close in age to him. My brother and I are only 13 months apart and I'm sure it was tough on my mom, but we were always so close. I wanted that for Jack. So it was July/August 2008 and we started "trying." I had not been taking any birth control after Jack was born, but I am an avid user and charter on Fertility Friend and had been keeping track of my cycles so I didn't get pregnant, so this time around we'd just switch it up! We were really happy-go-lucky about "trying" and it was fun knowing we could be creating another life. The first month went by and we didn't get pregnant....no big deal....I know it could take a few months. So then when about 8 months go by with nothing, it's starting to get frustrating. The fun was gone, the spark of "trying" and all. But that changed in April 2009. I was pretty sure something was up when I was waking up in the middle of the night to pee and was really thirsty. That was clue #1. Since I chart my basal body temperature, I had just the previous day had a big drop, which usually means "aunt flo" (AF) is on her way, but that was clue #2. The next day, my temp spiked back up. Which led me to clue #3. The reeeeeeaaaalllly faint line I got when I tested early with an internet cheapie test strip. I even asked Kevin if he could sort of see it...b/c really you almost had to squint and look sideways to see it, but he said he did see something. So I marched out and secretly bought a more reliable test and lo and behold, got a faint line on it and holy cow!! We're pregnant!! I was so excited!! But that faint line got me wondering and a little worried. Kevin was excited! I just knew it was our time, finally! But....that voice was in my head again saying something wasn't right. Oh no. Not that voice again. We were hesitant to tell our families, but by the next day when I started feeling nauseated, I knew that was a good sign. I went and got a blood draw and they said I was pregnant, but the numbers were really low. But I did catch the pregnancy before my period was even due, so that's probably why....Well, I took another test and realized the line wasn't really getting any darker like it should be and that voice told me again, something's not right here. I went in for the repeat blood draw and later found out that the levels were not increasing as they should and I would soon miscarry. This was devastating. Again. Not again...we can't be going through this again?? This time, I knew it would happen and I just had to wait. Wait to miscarry. It finally happened on April 20th. Those all-too familiar contraction like cramps that pushed out the all-too familiar sac and embryo I had seen before. This time, Kevin was at work when it happened and I was home with Jack. After it passed, the cramping stopped and I knew it was over. I cried, but I was almost just happy it finally happened since I'd been waiting several days. I was more numb than anything. I was ready to keep trying. I had heard that you can be very fertile after a miscarriage. I didn't really grieve that time. Just wanted to keep trying.
Miscarriage #3:
We were still trying. It would happen, just not in our time...in God's Time. He's in control, afterall. That's what I had to keep telling myself. 2 months passed, what felt like forever, and it was summertime, we were relaxing, having a good time, still "trying" and it just so happened that we got to take an awesome trip to Florida with my family in July 2009. I had a great feeling about that month. Our anniversary was coming up and we'd be spending time with family and being on the beach. Everyone thinks that it happened from being on the beach, but we really conceived before going on the trip! I just had a feeling that I would get pregnant that month. When we were at the beach, towards the end of the trip, I noticed a swipe or two of blood about 4 or 5 days before AF was due. That's a great sign of implantation and I knew that had to be what it was! I wasn't charting my temps, after all, it was vacation, so I was just trying not to think about any of the TTC stuff. But in my mind, I knew this was it! I also vowed not to test before I had a late period after what happened last time. When we got back home, I realized I was waking in the night to pee again and that incredible thirst for water was back and I knew I was pregnant. I decided to buy a test the day after my period didn't show up. Kevin didn't want me to test, but I was dying to know!! And bam! Just like that, 2 lines! I KNEW it!! We were really happy and I just had a good feeling. I wasn't going to worry about anything. I just figured after what we'd been through, this was our time! And the line wasn't super faint either. We were still a little hesitant to tell people, but we told our parents anyway. I figured that I'd re-test in 2 or 3 days and then call the dr. I just felt really confident. Well, I woke up really early 3 days later and tested right away since that's the best time to get the best result and was just shocked at what I saw. The test was barely even positive at all. The line was almost completely gone. I knew the pregnancy was going and wasn't going to stick. It was so sad. I told Kevin that it wasn't sticking and he was very disappointed and I just cried and cried. This time around was much tougher than the 2nd one b/c I just felt so good about it. How could this happen to me 3 times?? I think one of the worst feelings was knowing we had another person in our family, that I felt was undeserving of another baby, that also just found out she was pregnant and I said to my mom,"I will be so mad if she ends up having a baby and I have a miscarriage." Wow...those words stung through me. She's still pregnant and I'm not.
That's the end of that story and is where we're at today. It's now been 5 months since we last conceived and couldn't hang on to it and have yet to conceive since. I haven't went to the dr yet and we've just not been too terribly enthusiastic about trying. We're still "trying" but not like before. The fun and excitement is gone, the joy has been wiped out of us. We're really trying to trust God, but it gets hard month to month every time it doesn't happen.
Miscarriage #1:
Kevin and I had been married for about a year and half and we'd always talked about having children, but not in the immediate future just yet. But in February 2006, on a whim, went out and bought a home pregnancy test (HPT) after realizing that I was almost two weeks late. To my absolute surprise, a second line showed up immediately and I was shocked!!! I told Kevin and he was just as surprised. I couldn't believe it...I even remember re-reading the HPT instructions to see if it was okay that the test line was as dark as the control line. Then I went out and bought several more tests. Those new digital HPT's had just made their way onto the market and I tried it, right away it showed the word, "Pregnant." I was just in shock still. We were definitely NOT trying to have a baby, but I couldn't believe I was pregnant. I called the dr and went in. They congratulated me, although they said their test line was super faint, it was there. They did a blood draw and said they'd call back with the results the next day.
I was teaching middle school band at the time and just remember going to work being so elated and pretty much floating on a cloud all day. As I waited the call back about the blood test, I just got a weird feeling about something, not sure, but something didn't feel right. That feeling was correct. The nurse told me that my hcg (pregnancy hormone) number was pretty low, but it was probably just that it was so early, they wanted me to come back on Monday to do another blood draw. Great....those that really know me, know that I am a worry wort and will stew and brew all the possible, mostly negative, outcomes that could happen. I think I was on Google more than anyone else that day! I stocked up on more tests and kept taking them to assure myself that I was still pregnant. The next day, a Saturday, I had to help take the high school band students to a jazz festival out of town. That morning, I used the bathroom and noticed a small amount of blood on the tissue and got a little freaked. I had to go chaperone kids on this trip, but all I could think about was, "Oh my gosh...what is wrong here..." The spotting of blood got a little heavier throughout that day and I just knew this couldn't be right. I talked to a friend that said it's okay as long as I wasn't cramping along with it. I was, but not too bad. Just a little bit. It was the longest day, I felt awful, couldn't enjoy the concert and just knew this was not going well. The next morning, Sunday, I woke up with the worst ever cramps and was bleeding a lot. This is it...I'm having a miscarriage. This pregnancy will not last. Kevin was still asleep and I remember sitting and knowing it just happened. I felt the tissue expel out and it was very painful, horrible cramping. When I went into the bathroom, I saw the sac and a very tiny tiny embryo on the pad. It was the most horrifying thing and just so sad. I cried uncontrollably as I knew this pregnancy was over. It was so quick, yet I'd grown so excited about the idea of being pregnant. When I woke Kevin up, I'm not sure he felt as awful as I did, but I do know if affected him pretty badly as well. By the next morning, I took another digital test and was pierced cold as the words, "not pregnant," showed up on the display. I went back to the dr for my repeat blood draw, but told them about what happened. They did an ultrasound and verified that it was gone. He said there was still some tissue that would come out and that we could start trying again after a month or so. That was that. The next months were very hard. Very very hard.
I'm Pregnant For Real This Time:
We relocated after some really hard times during 2006 and ended up changing the grade levels that we taught. We were now both teaching elementary music. I was at a rough school with a difficult to get along with principal and was definitely feeling very depressed. My would-be due date was quickly approaching and that was hard knowing at only 6 weeks, I lost that baby. I ended up being on Zoloft that helped immensely! After the miscarriage and all the life stuff that happened, I had quickly decided maybe we weren't ready for a baby quite yet and got back on the pill. In November/December, Kevin and I both decided that I should stop the pill and just see what happens. We had a very relaxing Christmas break and I wasn't really trying, but since we weren't preventing, I was curious one day in early January about if I was pregnant or not. I knew that it was possible, but wasn't going to get my hopes up. I had bought a test and decided to take it on a Saturday night. It was negative. I remember feeling let down somewhat....but oh well, no big deal. It wasn't like we were really trying. On a whim the next day, Sunday, I decided to buy another brand of test just because. And holy crap! A second line showed up!! No way....no way.....!!! I was in SHOCK!!! I just called Kevin over, he had no idea I was even taking a test, and I asked him if he could see a line (it was pretty faint) and he said he could. Then he said what does that mean?? It means pregnant!! He was really happy and so was I! I of course went out and bought a digital test immediately and it quickly read, "Pregnant."
But needless to say, I wasn't going to get too excited just yet after all we'd gone through before. I was having great preggo symptoms like the sore boobs, the dizziness and nausea, so I knew this was a good sign. I went right to the dr and they did a blood draw, said the numbers were just okay, but wanted me to come back just b/c of my history. The second blood draw showed a HUGE increase in numbers and all looked good. Still didn't want to get my hopes up. Week after week, I finally made it to the end of being pregnant and couldn't have been more happily miserable! We did it...we created life. His name is Jack and he's amazing!
Miscarriage #2:
We decided that when Jack was 1 we would start trying for another baby. I REALLY wanted Jack to have a sibling really close in age to him. My brother and I are only 13 months apart and I'm sure it was tough on my mom, but we were always so close. I wanted that for Jack. So it was July/August 2008 and we started "trying." I had not been taking any birth control after Jack was born, but I am an avid user and charter on Fertility Friend and had been keeping track of my cycles so I didn't get pregnant, so this time around we'd just switch it up! We were really happy-go-lucky about "trying" and it was fun knowing we could be creating another life. The first month went by and we didn't get pregnant....no big deal....I know it could take a few months. So then when about 8 months go by with nothing, it's starting to get frustrating. The fun was gone, the spark of "trying" and all. But that changed in April 2009. I was pretty sure something was up when I was waking up in the middle of the night to pee and was really thirsty. That was clue #1. Since I chart my basal body temperature, I had just the previous day had a big drop, which usually means "aunt flo" (AF) is on her way, but that was clue #2. The next day, my temp spiked back up. Which led me to clue #3. The reeeeeeaaaalllly faint line I got when I tested early with an internet cheapie test strip. I even asked Kevin if he could sort of see it...b/c really you almost had to squint and look sideways to see it, but he said he did see something. So I marched out and secretly bought a more reliable test and lo and behold, got a faint line on it and holy cow!! We're pregnant!! I was so excited!! But that faint line got me wondering and a little worried. Kevin was excited! I just knew it was our time, finally! But....that voice was in my head again saying something wasn't right. Oh no. Not that voice again. We were hesitant to tell our families, but by the next day when I started feeling nauseated, I knew that was a good sign. I went and got a blood draw and they said I was pregnant, but the numbers were really low. But I did catch the pregnancy before my period was even due, so that's probably why....Well, I took another test and realized the line wasn't really getting any darker like it should be and that voice told me again, something's not right here. I went in for the repeat blood draw and later found out that the levels were not increasing as they should and I would soon miscarry. This was devastating. Again. Not again...we can't be going through this again?? This time, I knew it would happen and I just had to wait. Wait to miscarry. It finally happened on April 20th. Those all-too familiar contraction like cramps that pushed out the all-too familiar sac and embryo I had seen before. This time, Kevin was at work when it happened and I was home with Jack. After it passed, the cramping stopped and I knew it was over. I cried, but I was almost just happy it finally happened since I'd been waiting several days. I was more numb than anything. I was ready to keep trying. I had heard that you can be very fertile after a miscarriage. I didn't really grieve that time. Just wanted to keep trying.
Miscarriage #3:
We were still trying. It would happen, just not in our time...in God's Time. He's in control, afterall. That's what I had to keep telling myself. 2 months passed, what felt like forever, and it was summertime, we were relaxing, having a good time, still "trying" and it just so happened that we got to take an awesome trip to Florida with my family in July 2009. I had a great feeling about that month. Our anniversary was coming up and we'd be spending time with family and being on the beach. Everyone thinks that it happened from being on the beach, but we really conceived before going on the trip! I just had a feeling that I would get pregnant that month. When we were at the beach, towards the end of the trip, I noticed a swipe or two of blood about 4 or 5 days before AF was due. That's a great sign of implantation and I knew that had to be what it was! I wasn't charting my temps, after all, it was vacation, so I was just trying not to think about any of the TTC stuff. But in my mind, I knew this was it! I also vowed not to test before I had a late period after what happened last time. When we got back home, I realized I was waking in the night to pee again and that incredible thirst for water was back and I knew I was pregnant. I decided to buy a test the day after my period didn't show up. Kevin didn't want me to test, but I was dying to know!! And bam! Just like that, 2 lines! I KNEW it!! We were really happy and I just had a good feeling. I wasn't going to worry about anything. I just figured after what we'd been through, this was our time! And the line wasn't super faint either. We were still a little hesitant to tell people, but we told our parents anyway. I figured that I'd re-test in 2 or 3 days and then call the dr. I just felt really confident. Well, I woke up really early 3 days later and tested right away since that's the best time to get the best result and was just shocked at what I saw. The test was barely even positive at all. The line was almost completely gone. I knew the pregnancy was going and wasn't going to stick. It was so sad. I told Kevin that it wasn't sticking and he was very disappointed and I just cried and cried. This time around was much tougher than the 2nd one b/c I just felt so good about it. How could this happen to me 3 times?? I think one of the worst feelings was knowing we had another person in our family, that I felt was undeserving of another baby, that also just found out she was pregnant and I said to my mom,"I will be so mad if she ends up having a baby and I have a miscarriage." Wow...those words stung through me. She's still pregnant and I'm not.
That's the end of that story and is where we're at today. It's now been 5 months since we last conceived and couldn't hang on to it and have yet to conceive since. I haven't went to the dr yet and we've just not been too terribly enthusiastic about trying. We're still "trying" but not like before. The fun and excitement is gone, the joy has been wiped out of us. We're really trying to trust God, but it gets hard month to month every time it doesn't happen.
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